I’m getting married in a few months , which means that I’ll be spending the night before the wedding crying glittery tears as I attempt to finish a million wedding-y crafts while I scream, “Damn you, Pinterest!” and forget that I’m wearing a shower cap and deep conditioning treatment for 12 hours.

Before that, I will hopefully decide what I’m going to wear and I would like to thank everyone reading this for giving me the opportunity to pretend that I’m a fashion blogger for the next minute or two. Please, let me tell you about my very strong opinions about bridal apparel.

I’ve been looking at wedding dresses for months and, yeah, lots of people know that they’re expensive, but has anyone else noticed that they also suck? What’s with the corsets and the hoop skirts? If they don’t lace up in the back, they have those little buttons that used to be on boots and that you had to do up with a hook. Do I really want to drag a big piece of white cloth behind me for an entire day? Yes, I do know about bustles, and NO, I am not interested. And why are wedding dresses soooooo heavy? Where’s the functionality? Where’s the comfort? WHERE ARE THE POCKETS? The entire wedding fashion industry is stuck in the Victorian era.

I was going to say that I am aware that the previous sentence was not entirely accurate and that I know that brides in the Victorian era would just wear a nice dress for the wedding and then continue to wear it to church after that, but then I found this quote from victorian-era.org:

“ Many traditions of Victorian weddings are still being followed and one of them is the color and style of the wedding attire.”

Do you know what this means? It means that I was accidentally right! Check out these Victorian brides if you want more proof that I am right. Doesn’t the skirt on the first one look like the poofy horsehair gowns found here?

If you’re wondering what is wrong with the Victorian era, then someone should probably tell you that the Victorian era sucked. It was a super shitty and terrible era, okay? Children were dying at their crappy and dangerous jobs. The luckier ones were being starved and abused at boarding school (the school in Jane Eyre was based on Charlotte Brontë’s real-life experiences). Jack the Ripper never got caught, nobody was washing their hands, and doctors were draining blood from people when they got sick. To hell with the Victorian era.

And women’s clothes from that era? They weren’t just annoying and uncomfortable. They were also capital UGH Ugly. Look at how ugly these dresses are. I’m sorry, but a long dress with a train and a blazer? Why?? And why would I want it to look like my ass is hovering over my waist like a helium balloon? And why are there so many ruffles and bows?? Is this really the era that we want to look to for guidance when we’re looking for dresses that we have to wear for an entire day that includes eating and dancing?

Why are we still wearing these silly and stuffy dresses? C’mon, millennials, let’s put the wedding dress industry out of its misery. Oh, and let’s also kill Pinterest.